Here’s something that isn’t a downer and I’m certain it won’t hurt, alienate or anger anyone. Since January, I’ve maintained a clear head, and have focused my time and energy on cleaning up my life. That means no alcohol or anything else (I won’t go into detail. You can imagine for yourself what my bad habits might have been). For the first time in many, many years, my mind is clear and sharp. I am so grateful that I was pushed in this direction, even though it’s been painful and at times humiliating to get through some of the hoops I’ve had to jump through. I’m proud to say I did it, and I am never going back. Along the way, these past 9 plus months, I also decided to let go of some things that were very dear to me, like my radio program. After being on the air every week on KXCI since 2004, I just lost my inspiration one day, and I told myself that once that happened, I wouldn’t do it anymore. So I willingly let it go, and I’m okay with it. And other stuff has happened. My best friend was taken from me. I lost several relatives, especially one very dear aunt. Not being able to attend funerals or to grieve with my friends and loved ones has made the losses even more acute, but having a clear head has helped me get through all of this tragedy.  I’m so happy that I have maintained my discipline and my focus. The losses I have endured have made me stronger, and more determined than ever to make the best of the time I have left on this planet. I’m writing a lot more these days, and I have immersed myself like never before in my work as a librarian and archivist. There is plenty to keep me busy, and I have no problem being at home. I’m grateful that I have a job that allows me that luxury.

I look forward to many things. Above all, I can’t wait to hug my friends and family again, and to have nice long, in person conversations with them. I can’t wait to go out for long walks without worrying about getting too close to strangers. I can’t wait to go shopping at the second hand stores to look for music and books. I can’t wait to see the roses blooming in the rose garden at the park. I can’t wait to go out to eat dinner with my partner. I can’t wait to work out at the park.  I can’t wait to sit and have coffee with someone at work or to have pizza for lunch. I can’t wait for a new president to set us back on course as a nation. Each day I get antsier, but I’ll be patient. My goal is much further beyond survival. I want to live and thrive and continue in my own way to try to make the world a better place in which to live. I always thought my radio show helped me contribute to that goal, and for some people, I’m sure it had that kind of effect, but now I’ll have to find other ways. I know there are many possibilities. I’m very excited about the future and look forward to the day when I no longer have to be fearful of getting too close to anyone. I love life and I love people. Thanks, my friends, for reading this. I love YOU too.

My dream… It was about eccentric wealth and how you have to become part of the scenery and not bring any attention to yourself as you watch the ones with the money play their games and act out their dramas. They flaunt their ideas and behave as they wish and don’t you dare raise your voice or question them or you’re out of the club. You are there for god knows what reason, and you don’t fit in, but you must behave. You must not look out of place, you must not say a word, you must just observe and nod in agreement whenever they request your approval. You’re only there for that reason, you know. To applaud them, to massage their egos, to do their bidding whenever you’re called upon to do it. And if you’re lucky, they’ll throw you a bone.

I could never fit in with the upper crust or even the middle crust. I’ve encountered them at ALA, in Special Collections, and at the Music Library. Donors, Benefactors. VIPs. They expect you to wear suitable attire, above all. Yes, above all, you must be well dressed. That’s most important. If you don’t fit in that way, you’re doomed. It’s all theater, it’s all costume. The less you say, the better. Don’t burp, don’t cuss, don’t raise your voice, don’t laugh out loud, don’t disagree, don’t talk too much, or with food in your mouth,  or too loudly. Don’t bring attention to yourself. Be a good boy and you’ll get further ahead.

Do I need to grow up and be a big boy now? Should I break down and wear my suits and ties and dress shirts and polished shoes now? Can I endure the discomfort these clothes bring just enough to get through this meeting or this event or this day? I have before, but I have a big mouth. I need to keep it closed and speak only when necessary and in a softer tone. Shoot, I know I can do it if I have to do it, but I don’t want to do it. I’m a gay Chicano hippie freak, man, don’t you all get it? I don’t care what you wear, just as long as you are there, my brother!! Ha ha ha. I could’ve been more, I know. I could’ve played the game, and I chose not to, because I’ve always known it was all fake. Maybe it’s because I grew up poor and working class. I never valued high society or prim and proper ladies and gentlemen, those who smile at you while they’re robbing you or stabbing you in the back. I’m a Mexican, after all. A high school counselor once said to me “Whatever made  you think YOU were going to college? You’re supposed to go to trade school and learn construction or be a mechanic or a miner. Not a professor. Not a teacher, Not a mathematician. Not a doctor. Not a lawyer. Nope. You earn your keep by doing manual labor. We don’t need your mind”. Or something to that effect.

I’m bitter and jaded and I don’t know what to do. At this age, it’s a bit too late to try to polish up my act. I feel like the alcoholic character in Barfly who tried to get her act together one day and find a job, only to sink back into her familiar habits after just a few hours trying.

I have to ask myself why I have held myself back? I’ve never felt good enough. I’ve never felt worthy. I’ve never felt like I belonged in the club. God knows I’m smart enough to do this stuff. I’m jaded, however, like I said. Can I overcome my fear? Is it fear? I don’t know. Fear of wealth? Fear of success? Fear of advancement? Fear of prosperity? Fear of rejection? Fear of acceptance? I wish I knew…

What can I contribute to the discussion? I don’t know. I don’t have any answers, except that this fight for equity and inclusion and social justice will likely not make any real headway in my lifetime. Who knows if the white folks will ever let go of their stranglehold on everything? They control it all right now. We have been thrown but a few crumbs here and there, but they eventually get back whatever they’ve loaned out. It’s not a conscious thing, you know. It’s embedded in their dna, to control, to critique, to allow, to discipline, to judge, to keep. They do the writing, they do the publishing, they do the teaching, they do the leading, they control the money, they control the gates. They control the conversation and they control the plan. Those of us who are trying to take some of their power away know they are shady and sly and that they will not give anything up willingly. Watch your backs, my brothers and sisters, for the ways of these people are sneaky and devilish and they are probably ten steps ahead of you in this game of power and control. You will need to master their ways. You will need to be better writers, better speakers, better managers, better leaders, better thinkers and better strategists before any progress is made. They are not going to let up on their control of all the standards. They define excellence. They define success. They define the conversation and if you challenge it, beware. Watch your backs, my brothers and sisters. Be your best, learn, grow, challenge yourselves, be better at their game than they are. Be smarter, be quicker, be more agile and be prepared at all times. Toughen up. Don’t back down. Toughen up. Don’t be hurt by mere words. Don’t be misled by empty promises. Don’t be delusioned into thinking they’re on your side. They are not. They know they have control and they will not willingly ever let it go. Create your own institutions. Create your own standards of excellence. Write your own books. Publish yourselves. Tell your own stories. Celebrate your own successes. You don’t need them. You don’t have to ever grovel before them. They are nothing if you are everything. Teach your own children. Don’t let your children near them. They will corrupt them. They will destroy them. They will put them in jail and they will never, ever take the blame. They have their guns and they have their cops and their laws. Beat them at their own game, my friends. Be better at it than they are and then go and create your own world. You don’t need violence or drugs or alcohol or television. You need eachother. You need your elders and your children and you need to keep on pushing and never ever, ever give up.

Today is Friday, September 4, 2020, and it’s the start of the Labor Day Weekend. The year has flown by, but man, what a year! I’ve been working from home since mid-March, and keeping a pretty low profile. I only go out to shop for groceries and to the bank about once a week. Otherwise, here I am usually sitting at my desk working most of the time. I am very fortunate that I can work from home and receive a paycheck. My partner works in a hair salon and he is in close contact with people a lot. Thank goodness he’s careful and wears his mask at all times. I have colleagues who have to go in to work at the UA library too, and I worry for them, as the students are back on campus, and the Covid-19 rates are rising again. What a crazy time.

I’ve lost some dear friends and family this year. My friend RIchard died in late March, and then my oldest cousin Olivia died, and my uncle Art died, and then my aunt Mary died. I also just found out about the death of yet another cousin. Damn. All I know is that I’m staying home! I’ve been an emotional basket case now for several months. Richard’s death hit me the hardest. I dream about him a lot, and I sure miss him. We’d been friends since high school and we managed to always hold on to our friendship. There was nobody like him. My sister saw this poster recently at a bus stop, and she sent it to me. Then later, I was able to acquire a better shot of him holding the sign. Richard was always doing the right thing. Everyone misses him.

Working from home isn’t so bad. I manage reference services for Special Collections, and I get to do research on some interesting topics like vaudeville and architecture, although not having access to the collections makes it a challenge at times. I am also on a few committees, and the work comes and goes. Some committees are better organized than others, and those that are well organized are great to work on. We get our assignments ahead of time and agendas are sent out in advance of the meetings. Those committees and meetings that aren’t as well organized are a challenge, and it’s hard not to want to throw in the towel, especially on those that are voluntary. The older I get the less patience I have for disorganized activity. Nobody likes to have their time wasted.

I have started posting my album and book of the day features on Facebook again. This is now the third round of posts I’ve contributed since I started earlier in the year. I haven’t run out of stuff to share yet, which is surprising. It turns out I’ve read a lot of books! And I have hundreds and hundreds of albums I want to share with people. Every now and then I take a break because it becomes somewhat of a chore. And then I’m back, just like that. Lately, my friend Leanne has started posting albums too, and dang, her reviews are great. She’s so smart. She has a way with words, that’s for sure. My posts, in contrast are usually pretty brief and my descriptions aren’t anything nearly as interesting as hers. It’s okay, however. I don’t like to spend lots of time analyzing stuff. I don’t have that gift anyway. I just like what I like, and sometimes I can’t tell you why.

I sure hope we get rid of that idiot in the White House. He’s sure screwed everything up. I can’t believe anyone would support that evil creature, especially since he’s done nothing to help us get a grip on this pandemic. Neither has he done anything about the rampant police brutality and racism in our country. He’s only fueled the flames. I’m so sad to realize how backward our country still is when it comes to race. I thought we had moved forward, but it’s obvious we have not.

I’m starting to listen to music again. After I left KXCI in February, I pushed it all aside. I was done with it and I didn’t want anything to do with it. Music is my first love, however, and I’ll never let it go completely. I’m enjoying listening to artists who I’ve never really heard before and those who I’ve never really paid much attention to, like Rodney Crowell. That guy sure has a gift for songwriting.

There’s also this other country singer named Josh Turner who’s been around for a long time now who I never heard until just the other day. Oh my god, his voice is gorgeous. It’s so deep and low. I love voices like his. This video is a bit silly, but that voice. Oh my god.

I’m really torn about whether or not this kind of writing is interesting to anyone. Should I post it or not? I suppose I ought to, just to keep things going. I don’t care if others don’t read it, really. Doing this is a way of keeping track of my own life. Nobody else is going to do that for me. That’s for sure. Ni modo.

Here’s a song that just blows me away. Until next time…