KXCI is a non-profit, non-commercial, community radio station in Tucson, Arizona, that first hit the local airwaves in late November, 1983. It was the brainchild of several local music lovers, including Paul Bear, John Cannon, Frank Milan and Roger Greer. Together these individuals, with the help of countless others, laid the groundwork for the establishment of KXCI, forming the Foundation for Creative Broadcasting, applying for an FCC license, as well as raising funds and awareness for the idea of “community” radio in Tucson. Getting such a project off the ground was a lot of work that took several years, and I for one am very grateful to these guys for having the vision and drive needed to establish KXCI! The station was located in the old Dave Bloom and Sons building, a decent sized storefront at 145 E. Congress, on the northwest corner of Sixth Ave. and Congress. In 1987, operations were moved to the station’s present location at 220 S. 4th Ave.
1983 was a year that would change my life. At the time, I was a recent college graduate and was working part time at Fry’s Food Stores while taking classes at the University of Arizona as an undeclared graduate student. I didn’t know which direction I wanted to move in career-wise, but I felt I needed to explore my creativity, so I joined a radical theater collective called Teatro Libertad. It was with the Teatro that I developed a sense of self confidence. I learned the basics of acting and was also able to utilize my musical skills singing and playing my guitar and flute. I’ve always loved music, and with the money I was earning as a grocery clerk, was also able to begin building what I thought was a pretty good, eclectic record collection of music from all over the world, including Mexico and the US.
Playing my guitar at Oak Creek Canyon, 1983 (Click image to enlarge it).
One day in late Spring, 1983, I read an ad in the local weekly alternative newspaper about a class being offered in radio programming at a new radio station called KXCI. I was intrigued and decided to sign up. I thought it would be cool to be a disc jockey and to be on the radio. My brother Rudy had gone through similar training at Tucson High School back in the mid-1960s. The photo below appeared in the Tucson Daily Citizen on October 12, 1966.
I felt that becoming a radio dj would be a great opportunity to turn people on to the music that I loved. It cost a few hundred dollars, but in the end, was well worth it and one of the best decisions I ever made. Richard Towne, one of the station’s staff members, taught the class. There was a lot of technical information to learn, but it wasn’t too difficult to understand and I caught on very quickly.
The really fun part started when we were given time to practice producing our own shows, which included writing out scripts and announcements, and selecting music to play on the air. I fondly remember putting my very first mock show together. Every song I featured was either about drugs or alcohol. My very first “commercial” was for what I called “Tata Jerry’s Bong Juice Cookbook”. Go figure. I was very young and wild at the time… By the end of the class, I had my very own programmer’s license. I was now legitimately qualified to work as a radio announcer and could hardly wait to go on the air!
My FCC radio license
In addition to Rich Towne, the core staff at KXCI included Sheila Key, Paul Bear, Frank Milan, Martha Van Winkle, John Cannon and Roger Greer. There was such excitement in those early days! Everyone’s goal was to get the station up and running. In November, after much anticipation, the station aired its first broadcast, a marathon program that featured the history of recorded sound and music from its beginnings to the present. I think it was called “the big broadcast of 1983.”
By December, some of the most challenging bugs had been worked out, and KXCI was officially on the air. I was invited to host two of my very own radio shows, one of which I dubbed “The Chicano Connection”.
The show featured a variety of genres of Latin music, in addition to oldies but goodies, r&b and soul. While the above flyer indicates the show was from 11pm to 1am on Thursday nights, originally it aired from 7pm to 9pm on Thursdays.
Yours truly standing in front of the KXCI station on Congress St.
I had two shows initially and I was a”techie” for both Victor Blue, who hosted the Bluegrass show, and for Ted Warmbrand, who hosted a folk show called “Music From the Living Loom”. By Techie, I mean I ran the control board, cue-ing up music, and turning the mics on and off for the announcer. It was my way of giving back to the station. I felt so grateful for being on the air!
The other show I hosted was called the Friday morning music mix, and it aired weekly from 9am to noon. The morning music mix shows aired Monday through Friday and were intended to appeal to a broad audience . Programmers were encouraged to feature lots of contemporary jazz like Spyro Gyra and Weather Report, but I played just about anything I wanted, even though it got me into trouble a few times. More on that in a minute…
My very first playlist for my very first show. Aretha Franklin’s hit, “Respect,” was the first song I ever played on the air.
I didn’t own a lot of Latin music at first, but over time, I have acquired quite a collection, especially of Mexican rancheras.
My knowledge of music and my shows were also starting to get noticed out in the community, and I quickly became known for playing stuff that nobody else was playing or was long forgotten. Senator Dennis DeConcini even wrote to the station early on and noted how impressed he was with me and Kidd Squidd. I was in heaven.
My first morning music mix playlist. I would play the same artists a lot over time, but would try to vary the individual songs that I featured.
Here are more of my playlists from December, 1983. (click the title to see the list).
The music I featured included folk music, classic pop, soul, R&B, Latin music, rock and roll, oldies and classic jazz. I developed a loyal following of listeners, and was featured in a newspaper produced by the United Food and Commercial Workers Union , of which I was a member at the time.
ABOUT TOWN WITH THE MEMBERS
(Just a quick correction… The above article notes that the class I attended was free. Not so. I paid a lot of money, $300 if I recall correctly, to attend the class. Kathy got it wrong.)
Unfortunately, a couple of members of the station management at the time didn’t appreciate my playing protest music or leftist songs like “The Internacionale”, nor was I allowed to bring in more than a few albums of my own at a time. There was a little rule that stipulated that we were supposed to use the station’s music when on the air, and I had a difficult time with that, because I felt that my own record collection was far superior to the material the station supplied. Things got so tense that I quit at one point after I was reprimanded for playing my own material, including an anti-gun song called “Shoot First” by Judy Collins. Quitting wasn’t a very smart move on my part, but I wasn’t thrilled about being censored or coerced into playing music I thought was boring and irrelevant, when there was so much good music out there that I felt people needed to hear!
Lo and behold, within less than a year, Paul Bear invited me to return to KXCI to host a Latin show from 11pm to 1am on Thursday nights. I named program “The Chicano Connected Revisited”! I guess the station management figured it was okay if I played radical protest music late at night when most of the uptight crowd was already asleep! I happily agreed to return to the air, as I missed being on the radio. I also missed my friends at the station.
I have lots of fond memories of these years at KXCI. The highlight of the entire experience was getting to meet and interview the great singer-songwriter, and one of my heroes, Buffy Sainte Marie, after a benefit concert she gave at the Heard Museum in Phoenix. Other highlights included co-hosting a gay and lesbian-themed Father’s Day show with Jamie Anderson, a local folksinger, and hosting a two hour Aretha Franklin tribute show.
I also remember having a great time dancing in broad daylight on Congress Street during KXCI’s fun-filled street parties. The station also sponsored a number of great concerts, including shows featuring Queen Ida and Her Zydeco Band, Albert Collins, Ray Charles, Etta James, The Persuasions and countless others. Oh, what fun we had back then! They were wild times, indeed! KXCI put Tucson on the cultural map, and the Old Pueblo has been a musical paradise ever since, thanks in large part to the dedicated staff and volunteers of this little community radio station.
1985 KXCI program guide
I stayed with the station until December 1986, the same month I graduated from Library School at the University of Arizona. By the following month, with master’s degree in hand, I was working as a librarian in Nogales, Arizona. From there, I moved to Ann Arbor Michigan for several years and worked at the University of Michigan Undergraduate Library. I finally made my way back home in 1992, after being offered a job at the University of Arizona Library.
2003-2020
After spending nearly three years with the station, I left KXCI in December, 1986 . I had just graduated from Library School with a master’s degree in Library Science. Early the following month, I started my new career as a librarian in Nogales, Arizona. After sticking it out for 7 months, I decided to try my hand at academic librarianship, so from there, I moved to Ann Arbor Michigan for several years and worked at the University of Michigan Undergraduate Library. I finally made my way back home in 1992, after being offered a job at the University of Arizona Library.
After I returned to Tucson, I never thought I’d go back to radio. It had been over five years since I had been on the air, and I had heard and read that KXCI was having its share of ups and downs, with managerial and board shake-ups happening on a regular basis. I still maintained a passion for music, however, and continued to collect records and cds and learn as much as possible about all kinds of music, particularly Latin popular music. At my job at the UA Library, after eight years of working in an administrative position, I applied for and was offered the music librarian position. While classical music wasn’t my forte, I quickly learned all I needed to know to serve the students and faculty of the School of Music. It helped that I knew how to read music and that I played several instruments.
I also started conducting local and regional workshops focused on building Latin music collections for librarians interested in serving Latinos and the Spanish speaking. These workshops were fun to do, well attended and quite popular, and were a way for me to continue focusing on the music I loved.
After reading about my work in the local paper, in May, 2003, Ernesto Portillo Jr., a KXCI dj, newspaper columnist and old friend, called to invite me to be a guest host on his program, Onda Suave. I put a show on Mexican rancheras together for the occasion, and I was happy to hear that Ernesto’s listeners, (especially his father, a former Spanish language radio personality and Tucson legend), enjoyed the show. Before long, I was filling in for Ernesto on a regular basis, and within a year, I was back in the saddle as a regular programmer. From 2004 to 2006, I co-hosted a show with longtime KXCI programmer Pepe Galvez, called Barrio Sounds. I featured music from Mexico and the U.S., but played other genres as well. The show aired every Wednesday from 10pm to midnight.
My friend Alex Rivera and I in the KXCI Library
In 2006, one of the Latin night programmers decided to take a break from radio, and I successfully lobbied the station management to let me have my own show, which I decided to once again dub “the Chicano Connection”. I particularly enjoyed putting together thematic shows featuring specific genres and styles of both Latin and American music such as corridos and rancheras, protest music, and music written by specific composers. I also enjoyed playing civil rights-themed music on Martin Luther King Day and Cesar Chavez’s birthday. I particularly enjoyed the opportunity to interview singers like Tish Hinojosa and work with local musicians John Contreras, Olga Flores and Justin Enriquez, arranging recording sessions for them and intervewing them in our station studio.
Unfortunately, there came a point when juggling a full time job, family obligations and a late night radio show every week turned out to be more of a challenge than I could handle, so in October 2008, I decided I needed a little break. Justin Enriquez, a fine young mariachi musician, took the reins, changing the name of the program to “La Serenata,” which featured mostly mariachi and ranchera music.
My time away from the station didn’t last too long this time around. After subbing here and there for Justin and other programmers, in late 2010, I approached Justin and asked him if he would consider letting me co-host La Serenata. He graciously agreed. We took turns hosting for the first nine months of 2011, but in September, he handed the program over to me full time. A short while later, Onda Suave host Ernesto Portillo, Jr. decided he needed a long term break, and I requested to have my show moved from the 10pm to midnight slot to the 8pm to 10pm slot. The request was granted and I’m very happy with my new time slot. I’m now on the air every Wednesday from 8pm to 10pm.
Being a programmer on KXCI presents itself with many wonderful opportunities. Last Fall (2012), I had the pleasure of producing four specialty shows, which I called “Songbirds of the Sixties”. Each week for a month I featured a different singer–Joan Baez, Judy Collins, Buffy Sainte Marie and Joni Mitchell. I went through all of my recordings of each of these women and found material that I thought was worth including, some of it was quite rare and included songs that folks probably had never heard before on KXCI. For example, I played Scarlet Ribbons by Joan Baez, a song that appeared on her very first, unofficial recording session back in 1958. I also played a song or two from her “Folksingers Round Harvard Square” album, a very rare recording that has long been out of print.
At this point, I don’t ever plan to leave radio again! I have found that it keeps me focused and energized when I have a weekly commitment such as a radio show. I also love the music and I love being on the air. The station management allowed me to change the name of the program back to “The Chicano Connection.” I now once again have a very loyal foilowing and have a venue for promoting Latin music as well as the work I do at the University of Arizona Library, where I now, among other things, coordinate exhibits and events for Special Collections. Some things are just too worthwhile to let go of for good!
KXCI is member supported, so if you like what you hear, become one of the many, many people who support the station. Use this link to learn more about how you can become a member!
November 2015 Update: I’m still here! I never seem to tire of doing this work and am so, so grateful to the members of KXCI and to all the folks that listen to my radio show. Thank you!
January 2020 Update: Wow, how time flies! I’m still on the air and hope to continue for a while longer. My record collection continues to grow, and I am always listening to new material, even though I don’t always play it! There’s nothing like hearing the classics. I am so grateful to all the listeners in Tucson and beyond who come forward during our fund drives and support my show and the station. Thanks so much, my friends. Here’s to hoping that the new year will be a better one than the last one, as it was sure a challenge living through all the turmoil our current administration has caused. Anyone with a heart knows that children shouldn’t be kept in cages and packed in like sardines in jail cells meant for a mere fraction of the number that are put there. Music helps soothe the soul in troubled times. I hope that the music I play achieves at least a little of that. Peace, my friends. — Bob Diaz
March, 2020 Update:
Putting shows together these past few weeks has been more difficult than usual. I seem to have lost the creative spark that usually helps push me forward with yet another show. I promised myself that if this volunteer gig became too much of a burden, that I’d let it go, and unfortunately, the time has arrived to hang up my headphones for good. It’s been a wild, fun ride all these years. I’ve enjoyed this work immensely, and I’m happy that many people in the community enjoyed it too. It’s time to move on to other endeavors. I don’t foresee myself going back at this point, but one never knows. Lord knows I’ve done this before! My replacement will be Gwen Hernandez, who I believe will be an outstanding radio host. She knows Mexico and Mexican music, and that to me is what is most important, to have someone on the air who knows what a ranchera is and what son jarocho is, and who knows the history of Mexico’s music. I’m sure Gwen will be just wonderful. Please join me in supporting her and give her shows a listen. Thanks, my friends. So long. Love you!
You can enlarge the photos by clicking on them. Click the back arrow key to return to the post.
Every chapter in My Life Story includes information about me, my work, my family and my friends.It also includes information about events that took place locally and nationally, etc. that I thought important enough to include. You’ll also find that I’ve included films, musicians and recordings/videos, in addition to books that were released in a given year.
While I have included many personal photos, most of the graphic content included below is borrowed from the Internet. I do not claim to own this material. I am just adding it for educational purposes. If the owners of any of the content in the “My Life Story” series want their stuff removed, I am happy to oblige. My email address is jrdiaz@arizona.edu. Thanks!
I was still in Tucson enjoying my holiday vacation, visiting with family and friends when the new year began. Before I left to go back to Michigan, I contacted Carla Stoffle to say hello. She was the former Assistant Dean at the University of Michigan Libraries and she played an instrumental role in hiring me there in 1987. She was very committed to promoting diversity and did all she could to hire librarians of color and to combat racism in the workplace. In 1991, she became the Dean of Libraries at the University of Arizona. When I contacted her to say hello, she invited me to one of her holiday gatherings at her home, where I met some of the Library’s department heads and library administrators. I brought my friend Richard Elias with me and we both had a blast drinking beer and other assorted alcoholic beverages, eating a bunch of food and meeting new people.
Carla encouraged me to apply for a position as a reference librarian that had just opened up. The area of specialization was psychology, and this just happened to be a subject I knew well because of my background (I have a bachelor of arts degree in psychology) and experience at Michigan conducting countless instruction sessions for students taking courses on this topic. I was very excited about the prospect of being able to finally come back home after being away for over five years, and was filled with hope and anticipation.
I returned to Ann Arbor the first week of January, and jumped right back in to doing my job, providing reference service, teaching basic library skills to students in Psychology, English and other areas, and supervising and training reference assistants. I also continued serving on the Library Diversity Council. MLK Day was right around the corner, and this particular year we were bringing the author Alex Haley to campus. It was an exciting time.
It was also around this time that I hit a high note with my teaching, and received a resounding round of applause after an instruction session I conducted for students in an upper division political science class. I was ecstatic, as something like that had never happened before. All those hours I spent in the classroom teaching while at Michigan had finally paid off, and this was proof that I was getting pretty good at it.
Toward the end of January, I attended the ALA Midwinter conference in San Antonio. I had never been there before, and there was a lot to see and explore. I had fun shopping, and even bought a cowboy hat and cowboy boots. I had immersed myself in country music around this time, and enjoyed dressing up in Western wear. I also found some great record stores and antiques stores, as well as some interesting historic landmarks, such as the Old Spanish Governor’s mansion and a neighborhood called La Villita, which was home to many historic houses. I also got a taste of the gay scene and visited a few bars in the downtown area. The food in San Antonio was pretty good too. At one restaurant, called Mi Tierra, I purchased a t-shirt with Emiliano Zapata’s portrait on it, and underneath it, painted in bright red, were the words “Mi Tierra”. I thought it was the coolest thing, and I kept that t-shirt until it finally fell apart.
At some point, the Arizona job was advertised, and I put my resume and a cover letter together and sent them in. Once this was done and out of the way, it was just a matter of time. I waited and waited and waited.
I was not involved romantically with anyone at this time, and spent a lot of nights watching movies that I had rented from local video stores. These included a number of old Bette Davis and Joan Crawford movies, such as Jezebel, Mr. Skeffington, The Women, and Mildred Pierce. It was a lot of fun, inexpensive, and it kept me home at night! My car wasn’t very reliable at the time, so staying at home was really the best thing for me to do. Besides, I needed to start saving money for the move back home.
By March, I had been notified that I was a leading candidate for the reference position at Arizona. I was interviewed over the phone, and later invited out to Tucson for an interview. I didn’t know it at the time, but Carla had another position open, that of Staff Development librarian, and while I was in the middle of the interview for the reference position, she asked me to consider applying for that job also. I didn’t really feel ready to take on a job like this, as I felt I didn’t have the appropriate experience, but Carla was persistent and asked me to interview, so I did. She argued that I had done library programming and instruction, and that I had what she called “transferable skills”, and could easily pick up along the way whatever else I needed to learn. There would be more pay, and I would be part of the Library administration. I thought about it for a few days, and finally decided that I would give it a try and apply for the job, and lo and behold, the job of Staff development librarian was soon offered to me. I would report directly to the Dean of the Library, Carla Stoffle.
When I got back to Ann Arbor, I needed to wrap things up at work and also needed to figure out how to get back home. My record collection and book collection presented the biggest challenges. There was no way I was going to get rid of anything this time around, so I decided to ask my oldest brother Charles if he would be willing to fly to Michigan and help me drive a U-Haul back to Tucson. He agreed, thank goodness.
I stayed in my job in Ann Arbor until early May. The head of the Undergraduate Library, Barbara MacAdam, threw me a going away party the day before I left, and my good friend Barbara Hoppe, (now Kolekamp) took photos of the occasion. I felt bad about leaving my good friends LeAnne, Mike, Karen, Barb, Linda, Judy and Rhett behind, but nothing would get in the way of going back home.
In hindsight, I’m glad I took the risk of moving away from Tucson back in 1987, but my mom’s death the following year has always made me feel guilty about it at the same time. I realize that she still would have passed on if I were in Tucson, however. I have to remind myself all the time that her death wasn’t my fault. It was her time to go, and that was that. She was ill and had reached the end of her road.
If I set aside the guilt trip that won’t go away, I must admit that living in Nogales and then in Ann Arbor were indeed worthwhile experiences. Living right on the U.S. Mexican border was eye opening in many ways, and I enjoyed crossing the line whenever possible. There’s nothing like the birria they sell on Elias St in Nogales, Sonora! I also got to see a lot of the state of Michigan while I lived there, and I really enjoyed it. I also liked living in Ann Arbor. There was always something going on, and I took advantage of that and saw concerts, attended lectures and plays and art fairs, and bought scores of record albums and books. I also had fun going out dancing, listening to live music, and partying with my friends. My relationship with Brent fizzled out at the end of 1990, unfortunately, but we did a lot of fun stuff together while we were a couple.
By the end of the first week of May, Charles and I were on the road heading back to Tucson. Unfortunately, he had to drive the whole way, because my eyesight is bad, and I just couldn’t handle driving such a big truck. It would have been a dangerous proposition! We had a good trip, nevertheless, and made it back home within a few days. I was so happy to finally be back home!
Finding a place to live was at the top of my to-do list when I arrived. At first I thought I would find an apartment on the south side of town, close to my brother Carlos and sister Irene. However, I quickly began to have second thoughts about it. I wanted to feel safe, and as a gay man, I knew I would not be so safe on the south side of town. That’s just the way I felt about it, and while some folks may not understand, I just knew there would be problems. I searched elsewhere, and quickly found an apartment near Ft. Lowell and Country Club. It was a two-bedroom townhouse and the rent was just a little more than what I was paying in Ann Arbor. My family helped me move in, and I was pretty well settled by the time I started my new job on June 1.
I was hired as an assistant librarian, even though I had been promoted to associate librarian while at Michigan. This meant that I would have about five years to “prove myself” in three areas: my primary job, scholarship and service, and either be awarded continuing status (similar to tenure) or released from my job for not “cutting it”. I was told that even though I had been promoted at Michigan, I hadn’t published enough, although I had submitted a book chapter manuscript that was slated for publication in 1993 and had co-written another book chapter with my colleague Karen Downing that was also published in 1993.
During the first few weeks of my new job, I learned that in addition to having responsibilities in the area of staff development, I would also be responsible for professional recruitment and the promotion of diversity within the organization, and that my job title would be “Assistant to the Dean for Staff Development, Recruitment and Diversity”. I would also be a member of the Library administration and would attend meetings of the Administrative Group, Library Cabinet, Planning Council and Library Council, all leadership groups within the organization. I would also work with the Library Diversity Council and the Diversity Training Committee and would allocate staff development funds in consultation with the Staff Development Committee.
I also learned that Carla was very, very busy, and had little time to devote to helping me learn the ins and outs of the job. I spent more time learning from Shelley Phipps, one of the assistant deans. She and Carla were spearheading an “organizational review” of the Library, something I had no knowledge of until I got there. This was a huge deal, and it meant that I would have to hit the ground running in my new job.
I spent the next six months on the fast track, attending countless meetings and learning about how the UA Library operated from the top down. I also started organizing workshops and events for the staff. There was a whirlwind of activity around the library restructuring project, as it was soon called. Plans were in the works to completely change how everything in the Library was organized and managed. The restructuring had to take place, we were told, because the University had been cutting the Library budget for several years in a row, and something had to give. Increased costs for magazines and journals and the implementation of a new integrated library system also contributed to the idea that the Library needed to make some deep structural changes. The goal of the restructuring was to save money while continuing to provide critical user services and access to information. It called for the number of departments to be reduced from 15 to 9, in addition to calling for a change in how work was done and decisions were made. The library would become a “team-based” organization, with shared decision-making as one of its central tenets and improved work processes. This was a multi-year endeavor. My role was to help people get on the bandwagon to learn to work in teams and to make shared decisions, among many other things.
Unfortunately, nothing I did seemed adequate or good enough. From the beginning, in all honesty, I didn’t feel much support from Carla or others in the administration, and was soon blamed for many things that went wrong that were simply beyond my control. I was very surprised that there was so much “politics” at play, particularly around the issues of diversity and recruitment. The Library had two diversity committees, and the leaders of these both competed with one another for resources and attention. I got stuck in the middle of all of this and had to figure out where I fit in. It was difficult. Carla also had me doing things that should have been taken on by others. For example, she asked me to coordinate the development of a proposal for the creation of Mexican American Borderlands archive in Special Collections. I spent countless hours meeting with various Latino leaders in the community, gathering information and gauging their interest in such an idea. Meanwhile, the staff in Special Collections were livid that they were not asked to do this work. Eventually, they did get involved, but they were not happy that I got the ball rolling. As far as recruitment of minorities went, some of the department heads pretended they supported minority recruitment and affirmative action, but in reality, they did not. I worked hard to recruit minority candidates to apply for our jobs, but they wouldn’t in many cases even be granted an interview.
In hindsight I realize that the Library needed a seasoned professional to coordinate the training and development necessary for the move from a top down organization to a team-based organization. It needed someone who had experience in administration and leadership, with expertise in human resources issues, organizational design and change. Actually, nobody on the staff had this kind of experience. We were all winging it. I could be wrong, but as far as I know, our ARL consultant had never led this type of process anywhere else. She, the Dean and the Assistant Dean were all learning as they went along, as were the members of the Operational Adjustment Team (OAT), who came up with the idea that we should have teams run the organization. The problem was that nobody on the staff had experience with team-based organizations. The members of OAT read some books and figured they could take a cookbook approach to the whole thing and tweak things as they went along. They ignored some basic tenets about teams that the professional literature espoused, and decided that instead of having small project teams, as the literature promoted, we were going to have large functional teams, with everyone having a “voice” in decisions and workflow processes. Boy, what a mistake that was, on so many levels. Unfortunately, we dove right in and went for it, and within a year upended the whole structure of the organization. It would take just a short while to realize that we had made some major mistakes. Within a year, at least four of the members of operational adjustment team had left the Library. I have to wonder why. Perhaps they didn’t want to be around to take the heat for what was to come. Who knows?
I traveled three more times between June and December, attending conferences and training events. I went to ALA Annual in San Francisco, to the first conference of the Black Caucus of the American Library Association in Columbus, and to a training skills workshop in Raleigh, North Carolina.
I’ve always enjoyed traveling, and I took the time to explore each city as much as I could. I got to see my Michigan friends in San Francisco, and even ran as a member of their team in the ALA Fun Run, rather than with the UA team. I was already missing Michigan. In Columbus, Ohio, where the BCALA conference was held, I spent time with my friend Karen Downing. We had a bit of a falling out before I left Ann Arbor in May, but by August, things were better between us and we spent a lot of time together at this conference. It was an historic event, and I’m very glad I was able to be there. The training event I went to in Raleigh was a good session, but I quickly learned that the format of the workshop relied heavily on the participants teaching each other, by sharing their own knowledge and experiences with one another. The workshop facilitators merely provided the structural framework for the workshop and filled in a few gaps. We were also given lots of reading material. This was an approach to training that I saw used again and again by certain consultants and trainers.
The first six months back home had other surprises in store for me as well. Things weren’t the same with the family. My dad had met a much younger woman from Mexico and they lived together at my dad’s house. I never felt comfortable going over to visit. It was different. My sister Becky lived there with my dad and Lupe too. Things sure had changed. I missed my mom.
Christmas was non-eventful. I don’t remember much about it. I looked forward to the new year and hoped that things would improve. So far, I wasn’t all that happy with the way things were turning out. I wasn’t an HR person. Prior to moving back to Arizona, I had been a public services librarian and had done reference and teaching, as well as some collection development work. I was not accomplished as a public speaker, nor had I the confidence to stand up to others and stand my ground. I felt beat up by the end of the year. And I was not taking care of myself. I was doing stupid things like partying a lot and going out at night. I was lonely. It wasn’t a good time for me. Another big change in my life had just occurred—moving back home to Tucson after having been away for over five years– and I had difficulty adjusting to it all. I felt really stuck. My dreams of serving my community, of turning people on to reading and learning and of social change seemed further and further from my grasp. It would take another year or more before I felt more grounded in my personal life and found things to do on the job that were more worthwhile. But at least I was back home.
A NOTE ABOUT THE GRAPHICS: IF YOU CLICK ON THE IMAGE, IT WILL ENLARGE IN A NEW WINDOW. THERE’S A LOT OF TEXT, AND DOING THIS WILL MAKE IT EASIER TO READ THE WRITING. CLICKING THE BACK ARROW KEY WILL TAKE YOU BACK TO THE POST.
Here’s one of my favorite songs from the album:
I wrote the following article about unity among Latinos on campus. It was my farewell message to Michigan.
I got a phone call from the UA Library on March 9 and was invited for an interview for the reference job at the University of Arizona Libraries as well as the staff development position.
In addition to talking about my experiences with collection development and bibliographic instruction, I gave a presentation on the diversity work I participated in doing while at the University of Michigan Library. This was for the staff development position, which was later offered to me and that I accepted. My start date would be June 1. Here is a link to the presentation that I gave.
Barbara MacAdam, the head of the Undergraduate Library, threw me a going away party at her home on Thursday, May 7, one day before my very last at Michigan. Most of my UGL friends were there, except LeAnne Martin and Mike Robbins, unfortunately. We had a great time. Everyone loved my brother Charles, especially the women. They thought he was quite handsome.
My very last day at work…
By the end of my first week of work in early June, I attended a meeting of the Arizona University Libraries Consortium, and was introduced there as Carla’s new assistant. The consortium membership included administrators and staff from all three Arizona universities. The purpose of these gatherings was to share information and explore areas where the three libraries could collaborate, such as working together to reduce costs by engaging in consortial arrangements with publishers and vendors.
In the Spring I threw my hat into the ring and ran for national secretary of REFORMA. I won the election and by ALA Annual was busy taking notes at all of the formal REFORMA meetings. Fun, fun, fun!
Here’s one of the songs from the album “El Quelite”.
I was looking forward to attending La Fiesta de San Agustin on August 30. Here’s a preview of the day’s events.
Earlier the same day, I had a big family gathering at my townhouse. We had a blast. Almost everyone in my immediate family showed up, with the exception of a few nieces and nephews. My dad, his wife Lupe, my cousin Yolanda and my niece’s boyfriend, Martin Green, have all since passed on. Time sure flies. I remember this like it was yesterday.
A few days later, I was traveling again, this time to Columbus, Ohio, for the first ever national conference of the Black Caucus of the American Library Association. The conference lasted from September 3 through September 6. It was a historic occasion. I spent a lot of time with Karen Downing, my friend from Michigan. The purpose of my attendance was to recruit African American librarians to Arizona. I had just successfully helped recruit one such librarian, and the Dean of the Library wanted me to let people know that Arizona welcomed librarians of color.
The conference got several write-ups in the national library press. Here are links to a couple such articles.
You can enlarge the photos by clicking on them. Click the back arrow key to return to the post.
Every chapter in My Life Story includes information about me, my work, my family and my friends.It also includes information about events that took place locally and nationally, etc. that I thought important enough to include. You’ll also find that I’ve included films, musicians and recordings/videos, in addition to books that were released in a given year.
While I have included many personal photos, most of the graphic content included below is borrowed from the Internet. I do not claim to own this material. I am just adding it for educational purposes. If the owners of any of the content in the “My Life Story” series want their stuff removed, I am happy to oblige. My email address is jrdiaz@arizona.edu. Thanks!
1991 was an interesting year. I started out the year alone as Brent and I had just split up the previous month. Getting through the holidays was difficult. On the bright side, however, I was promoted to Associate Librarian, effective January 1, 1991, and I got to create another Martin Luther King, Jr. exhibit. I also got to travel to Chicago again for yet another ALA conference. This time I took the train. It sure was an interesting ride, with lots of scenery along the way, some of it not so pretty, in all honesty. The last leg of the trip was through Gary, Indiana and south Chicago, and it all looked like one big industrial wasteland. I believe I went with Karen, Linda and Barb this time around.
While there, I turned 32. I also met a guy named Tom at a GLBT social gathering, and we hit it off. I really liked him. He was quite liberal and a very good conversationalist. However, he lived in Connecticut, several hundred miles away. Once the conference ended, we agreed to stay in touch and to see each other whenever possible, and we got along great for a while, visiting each other whenever we could, but then I got restless, and he turned out to not be the kind of guy I wanted to be with after all. We spent time together in February and April, and in May we split up. I think I was on the rebound, and Tom was the first guy after my breakup with Brent to show any interest in me. I was lonely and thought we could make things work, but they didn’t after all.
In late January I was traveling again, and this time I flew with my friend Karen to Long Beach, CA to give a presentation on diversity at the Freshman Year Experience Conference. We did alright, but I didn’t save any of my notes or other written material. All I have are some photos we took and an abstract from the program. We had a lot of fun, and got to go to Hollywood and walk around a bit. Later in the month, I took a train to Springfield, Massachusetts to visit Tom. It was a fun trip. The train went through upstate New York, and I got to see a lot of beautiful country side. Tom picked me up in Springfield and we drove to Storrs, Connecticut where he lived. He was a librarian and had a job as a cataloger at the University of Connecticut. It was fun exploring the area. We went to Hartford and Mystic Seaport, visited antique stores and flea markets, and even drove up to Rhode Island.
I got an AIDS test in February and tested negative. Thank goodness. I had been very careful the last several years (Brent and I had an open relationship), but I still was sexually active, and there was a time or two when I took some risks that I should not have taken. I was so nervous when I took the test. I worried that I would hurt myself if I had tested positive. I didn’t want to have to die the way so many people around me had died, from a disease that was unstoppable and merciless. I swore after I had tested negative that I would never do anything risky again, and while I can’t say I’ve always been faithful to that promise, I never did get HIV, even while sexually active. I’ve been very fortunate.
In March, I had another book review published. The book was titled, “Latino Librariaship: A Handbook for Professionals” and was edited by Sal Guerena, an archivist from Santa Barbara, California and former REFORMA president. The review appeared in Preview Magazine.
In the Spring I applied for a new job, that of “diversity librarian” at the University of Michigan. I had to give a presentation and meet with lots of different groups, and I was a nervous wreck. My presentation was well received, however, but in the end the job went to someone else. I was really disappointed, but decided to continue job hunting. I wanted so badly to come back West. Nothing materialized, however, so I stayed at Michigan the entire year, and continued to work at the Undergraduate Library. Things got better by the Fall, as my supervisor, “the southern belle from hell,” had moved on to the Library School, where she was pursuing a PhD. I was given more responsibility as manager of the student reference assistant program, and I was pretty happy with the work. I continued doing instruction and reference, and also continued on the Diversity Council, helping to coordinate the annual diversity film festival series and doing more exhibits. This all kept me pretty busy.
In May, I went to see Tom again. This time, we met up in Boston. I flew there from Detroit, and Tom and I rented a hotel room in Cambridge, very close to the Harvard campus. I had a blast visiting the record stores and used bookstores, but Tom wanted to do other things, like check out the various monuments and other historical sites. This is where we broke up. I decided it was time to move on, and I told him I no longer wanted to pursue a relationship with him. He got very angry, and things got a little ugly, but we got through it and decided to go our separate ways. I was relieved. I’ve had to learn that long distance relationships, at least for me, do not work.
In late June, I got to go to Atlanta Georgia for the first time to attend the ALA Annual Conference. While there, I went to the Martin Luther King Jr memorial and ate Krispy Kreme doughnuts for the very first time. I also found some gay bars and had a good time dancing and meeting new people. I did have one committee assignment as a member of ACRL’s University Library Sections Organization and Bylaws committee, but not much work came from it. I was free to go to whichever programs I chose, and eventually settled on getting more involved with REFORMA, that National Association for Library Services to the Spanish Speaking.
A major change occurred in the Library administration at Michigan during the summer. Carla Stoffle, who was a big supporter of diversity and who had worked hard to retain me (it was she who had me placed in the Residency program), took a job as director of the University of Arizona Libraries. When I went home at Christmastime later in the year, I took my friend Richard Elias with me to one of her holiday gatherings. Little did I know that I’d soon be working for her as her assistant, but I’m jumping ahead in my story, so that’s all I’ll say about it at this point.
My friend Roberto was also back in the picture by the time summer arrived. He and I went to see Madonna’s movie, Truth or Dare, at least seven times. We had a blast and were inseparable for a while there. We went out a lot and saw live bands together. It was a fun summer. I was in love again, but it was all a lost cause, as Roberto started dating other girls around this time. Ruth Patino was one such individual. She was very nice, and loved ranchera music like I did, but I was quite jealous of her. I was glad when she went back home to Oakland after her graduation. She turned me on to Alejandro Fernandez and later sent me a couple of tapes by Lucha Villa, which I still have.
Another student I met while spending time with Roberto was a young woman from Texas named Lucy. She had studied graphic design, and had just graduated. We enjoyed dancing to reggae music together and we dated for a while. (Roberto was busy with Ruth). She also left Ann Arbor at some point in the summer, and we tried to stay in touch, but I drifted away. She was the last woman that I tried to make a go of things with. I think I gave up completely after that.
There were other people who I would hang out with this particular year, including Mike Robbins, LeAnne Martin, Rhett Stuart, Judy Sorensen, Mary Lynn Morris, and Vivian Sykes. I had some great times with them and we all enjoyed going out to dinner, partying at the bars and going to the movies together. Some of the movies I saw included “The Five Heartbeats”, “The Commitments”, “What About Bob?”, “My Own Private Idaho”, “Paris Is Burning”, “Thelma and Louise” and others. I also watched a lot of television. My favorite shows included “In Living Color”, “The Nat King Cole Show”, “Are You Being Served?” and “Married with Children”. This was the year I immersed myself in the movies of Bette Davis. God, I loved seeing her in all those different roles, from Jezebel to Mr. Skeffington, to Now, Voyager, to the Virgin Queen and many others. She is my all-time favorite actress.
Roberto moved in with me in the Fall, but things didn’t work out. We had some conflicts over the rent, which he didn’t want to pay, so I asked him to leave. He accused me of spreading lies about our friendship, saying that there was talk in the Medical school about a student who was in a relationship with a librarian at the Undergraduate Library (thanks a lot, LeAnne…)…We stopped being friends after that. I also stopped hanging out with my other Latino student friends as a result, since he was very popular, and they all sided with him when they found out we had a falling out.
There were some very good albums that were released this particular year. One of my favorites was Joni Mitchell’s “Night Ride Home”. It included some great tunes, including the title cut, “Coming in from the Cold”, and “Cherokee Louise”, among others. The first Dylan Bootleg series was released this year too as was Natalie Cole’s “Unforgettable, With Love”. In the realm of country music, Vince Gill, Colin Raye, and Sammy Kershaw all released some of their best work, and I bought their recordings, watched their videos on television, and even went out to the bars out on Michigan Avenue outside Ypsilanti to listen to country music and gawk at all the fine looking men in their tight levis and cowboy shirts. I was a total mess. I also got to see a few local groups live. Jeanne and the Dreams were great, as was the jazz group, “Oasis”. I also saw the Chenille Sisters and the great Buffy Sainte Marie again. I think Brent came with me. He didn’t care for the show, but I loved it. Buffy played some of her newest material from her masterpiece, “Coincidence and Likely Stories”. What a powerful album!
In late September, tragedy hit my family back home. My niece Belisa’s little girl, Brisette, was struck and killed by a car. She was only three years old. I wish I could’ve come home for the funeral, but I couldn’t afford another trip, and I had already purchased tickets to come home for Christmas. I felt very sad about that. My dad was especially heartbroken, because he loved that little girl. She was born just a month or so before my mom died in 1988.
I spent the last few months of the year writing a chapter on buidlng diverse library collections for a book titled “Cultural Diversity in Libraries”. I also continued to manage the reference assistants program, and continued to participate in the work of the Diversity Council. We had more training in the Fall, and planned more film festivals and MLK Day events and exhibits. I also got to hear Angela Davis, Gloria Anzaldua and Rodolfo Acuna speak. There was always something interesting happening on campus. I was very fortunate, in hindsight to be able to experience seeing all these wonderful people. The PC (political correctness) wars were also raging all over the country’s college campuses at this time, and in November, a big conference on political correctness was held on the Michigan campus. I still have the immense set of readings that were distributed right before it took place.
I got to go see my very first University of Michigan football game in the Fall. Barb Hoppe, my colleague from the Undergraduate Library, took me with her and wow, it was fun. The stadium is huge and holds over 100, 000 people. Michigan played Indiana that day, and won, of course. I’m not much of a sports fan, but I did have an enjoyable time.
Periodically, I’d drive my little beat up Toyota into Detroit, and either go barhopping, or go shopping at the record stores and thrift shops scattered throughout the suburbs. One day, I was driving along an unfamiliar road, just after having purchased a couple of religious relics at a thrift store in one of the suburbs, when lo and behold I hit a railroad crossing barrier. I hadn’t seen any lights flashing or heard anything, and just slammed right into it. The thing flew up and stayed there and my car stalled right on the tracks. Luckily, I got it started just in time to move it away from the tracks before the train came roaring through. I could’ve easily been killed. It literally missed me by seconds and was a very close call indeed. I still have those relics, and I’ve told people that they saved my life that day. One was a little bust of the Virgin Mary and another was a last rites kit, used by priests when conducting the last rites ceremony for the dying.
At Christmastime, I flew back home to Tucson. As I noted earlier, Carla Stoffle had become director of the UA Libraries over the summer, and when I was there for Christmas, I contacted her to say hello. She invited me to a holiday gathering at her home, and I took my friend Richard with me. A reference position had opened up in the Library, and she encouraged me to apply for it, which I did. I was filled with excitement and anticipation in the following months, as the possibility of finally getting back home was about to become a reality. Unlike the previous year, when I spent Christmas by myself, I had a great Christmas this time around. I was at home with my family, bought presents for everyone, and was very hopeful about the future!
Diversity in Libraries / Presentation, 1991. In April, I applied for a job as the University of Michigan’s diversity librarian, and gave a presentation on April 21 about my thoughts on diversity at the time. The presentation and the question and answer session that followed were very well received, but in the end, the job went to someone else.
You can enlarge the photos by clicking on them. Click the back arrow key to return to the post.
Every chapter in My Life Story includes information about me, my work, my family and my friends.It also includes information about events that took place locally and nationally, etc. that I thought important enough to include. You’ll also find that I’ve included films, musicians and recordings/videos, in addition to books that were released in a given year.
While I have included many personal photos, most of the graphic content included below is borrowed from the Internet. I do not claim to own this material. I am just adding it for educational purposes. If the owners of any of the content in the “My Life Story” series want their stuff removed, I am happy to oblige. My email address is jrdiaz@arizona.edu. Thanks!
1990 was not my best year, nor was it the worst. I felt like I was in limbo, however, biding my time in Ann Arbor until I could find my way back home to the Southwest. I continued to work at the Undergraduate Library, honing my reference and instruction skills, which I had started to develop when I was hired at the University of Michigan Undergraduate Library in the Fall of 1987. By this point, I had taught scores of classes and had spent hundreds of hours on the reference desk. I had also begun to train reference assistants and to take on classes outside the usual Psychology and English courses we taught every semester. I also continued my involvement in diversity work, participating as a member of the Library Diversity Council, planning film festivals, exhibits and other programs, and engaging in continuous dialogue with my colleagues about issues like racism, sexism and homophobia. I helped co-found the Gay and Lesbian Library Association, was a member of a campus Latino support group called La Alianza, and had worked diligently to enhance the Undergraduate Library’s collections of Chicano literature and Gay studies materials. I felt good about this work in particular. I also continued in the Residency program, and enjoyed the seminars and other learning opportunities that were planned for us by the Library administration. I attended seminars with people like Sharon Hogan, Peter Hernon and the very colorful and radical Sanford Berman. My colleagues in the Residency program were very bright and interesting, and I enjoyed their company. I still intensely disliked my immediate supervisor however, as she continued to try to hold me back. There was no pleasing her. She didn’t encourage me to go up for a promotion, but the Library administration did. Lucy Cohen, the head of personnel encouraged me to apply, so I went for it, and was granted a promotion to associate librarian in early 1991, in spite of my supervisor’s opinions about my worth. I wasn’t the only one to have issues with her. My colleague Karen had several major run-ins with her as did others in the department. She was a control freak and didn’t think any of us could do as good a job as she could. By the following year, she was “encouraged” by the Library administration to move on, so she started taking courses in the library school to pursue a PhD and was gone shortly thereafter.
My personal life was a mess. Brent and I continued to have our ups and downs. We just couldn’t please each other any longer, and he was never happy. He insisted that I continue going to counseling, which I did, although I thought it was a big waste of time and money. By the end of the year, he moved out for good and our relationship was over. I had a feeling it wasn’t going to work out. We weren’t a good match for each other, and we finally gave up trying to make it work. While at one point, the year before, I was infatuated with someone else, when Brent and I broke up there weren’t any other guys in my life in whom I was interested. By the end of the year, I was free as a bird, but lonely. I longed to go home.
I had good friends, however, and I had good times with them. My two friends Rhett and Judy were great drinking buddies. We would go out to the Blind Pig on Friday nights with my friend Mary Lynn, who was dating Rhett at the time, and have a blast, listening to live music, playing pool and dancing. The country band that played live music always opened with song, Apartment #9, an old Tammy Wynette classic. I just fell in love with that tune and went out in search of all the Tammy Wynette recordings I could fine. My friends and I would also go out bowling on Sunday afternoons. We all liked to drink and smoke weed, and had a great time together. My friend LeAnne was also a lot of fun, and I confided lots of things to her. She was, as I’ve said before, a bit on the kooky side, and had lots of issues, but she was always fun to talk to, and we got along great.
In 1990, I had also met another person who was very interesting. His name was Rupert Whitaker. I can’t remember how we met but h was a graduate student, and very interested in gay men’s literature. Somehow he found out that I was knowledgeable about the topic, and when we met he asked for reading recommendations, which I was more than happy to provide. We soon became good friends and would remain so for the entire year. The whole time we were friends, I had no real idea who Rupert was, but much later I learned that he had contracted HIV in the early 80s and that his partner was one of the first people in England to have died of AIDS. Rupert came from a wealthy family, and when his partner died, he established an AIDS research foundation in his partner’s memory. Rupert was studying to get his PhD when I met him, and he went on to become a well known AIDS researcher and activist, with several advanced degrees, as well as a strong patient advocate. Today he is one of the leading authorities on the virus and has lived longer with it than practically anyone else alive. At some point during our friendship, Rupert turned me on to Buddhism, and I began to attend meetings with him. I wasn’t a very good student however, and dropped out after a few sessions. I did get to meet a Rinpoche however, and that was quite a thrill. I’ll never forget the experience.
I was 31 years old in 1990, still young and “full of life” so to speak. Some people would say I was immature, and in hindsight, I guess I was. It took a long time to slow down, to stop smoking grass and to stop going out to the bars and drinking. I wasn’t happy at Michigan. I knew I needed to get back home sooner or later. I was just biding my time for the opportunity to go back. It would take another two years before I finally made it home.
1990 was also the year I started traveling in earnest. The previous year, I had taken just one trip, and that was to Dallas to attend ALA. In 1990 I took three trips. I went to ALA in Chicago in January and in March, I headed to Tucson with my friend Judy to visit my family, and then in June, it was back again to Chicago for another ALA conference. I loved Chicago, and had a great time exploring it. As of today, I have visited the city 13 times altogether.
For my first visit there, I thought I would save some money, so I reserved a room at the YMCA on the corner of Clark and Chicago Ave. in the northern part of downtown, but it was a real dump. Everything was old and worn, and it was more like a “residence” than a “hotel”. I had a feeling the place wasn’t going to work out for me. After I checked in, I then went to a gay bar I had read about, The Gentry, on Rush St, and I met an older guy at the bar. We started chatting, and when I told him where I was staying, he was shocked, and he urged me to get the heck out of the Y, telling me that it was was a dump and that there were roaches and other critters everywhere in that place. I told him I didn’t know where else to go, so he helped me find a room at the Bismark Hotel on Randolph St. The Bismark was a much nicer, but more expensive place, and was once a very elegant hotel. While it cost more, I didn’t have to worry about any bugs whatsoever. Thank God I ran into that guy.
I was in heaven in Chicago. It was a big city with lots to see, and boy I was sure adventurous! I took the train to the Pilsen district and it was a trip riding the train for the first time and seeing areas outside the downtown part of the city. I went there because I knew it had a big Mexicano population, and I wanted to look for Lucha Villa albums and other Mexican music. I bought some cassettes and a cd, but I don’t remember what exactly. The place I went to was called “Discolandia” and it was on W. 18th St. I also visited the Lozano branch of the public library on 18th Steet. My friend Pat Tarin had worked there at one point in her career. I got there early in the day, so there wasn’t a lot happening on the streets. I later made my way north to Boystown and ate at El Jardin on Halsted St. and bought an Aretha Franklin 12” single (Get it Right!) at a record shop on Belmont. I must have also gone to the gay bars since I was up there in that area.
I did a lot of other stuff while in Chicago that particular time. I soaked it all in. I went to the Art Institute of Chicago and the Newberry Library. I tried to find the Peace Museum, and I did, but I think it was closed. I remember I walked a long way that day.
1990 was also the year I got to see Aretha Franklin perform live. It was the thrill of a lifetime to see her. I went with Brent and my friend Judy. I was initially going to go by myself and had bought a ticket, but then Brent and Judy wanted to go also, so I bought two more tickets, but they were up in the balcony, unlike the first ticket which was in the 11th row, much closer to the stage. I was bummed out because I decided to sit with Brent in the balcony and I gave Judy the good seat. She said the sound was perfect, unlike up in the balcony. I was bummed, but at least I got to see Aretha live. She still had her chops in 1990. In my opinion, by the end of the 1990s her voice had changed too much and didn’t sound as good.
I also saw Etta James and Sweet Honey in the Rock this particular year. Unfortunately, Sarah Vaughan died in 1990. I was very sad about that. I had just seen her perform the previous summer.
My interest in music continued. Not only did I go to concerts, I also collected albums, cassettes and cds. I’ve mentioned before that Ann Arbor was a great place for music buffs. Schoolkids Records, Wazoo Records, Tower Records and other stores stocked some great, hard to find recordings. I became very interested in country music at this time, and started to collect more contemporary country musicians recordings. Carlene Carter, Dwight Yoakam and others were producing some amazing stuff at the time. I also continued to search out Latin music. After my mom died in 1988, I became obsessed with Lucha Villa and other ranchera singers, and was always on the lookout for their recordings. I eventually found her music, spread out all over the country, and I collected it one recording at a time.
I spent Thanksgiving with Brent and his family, and clearly remember that we went with his mom to see Dances with Wolves on Thanksgiving Day in Muskegon. What an amazing movie. The scenery was just breathtaking. By late December, Brent had moved out, and I spent the Christmas break by myself. I don’t remember much about it, but I know Brent wasn’t around. He was gone. We were together for six years altogether. We had some great times, and some very sad times. In the end, we just couldn’t make it work.